Shhhh. I have a little secret (two, actually). Well, it's not much of a secret to my upstairs and downstairs neighbors. Fortunately, they are also parents of small children, and quite understanding. It is kind of an embarrassing secret since I am such a big proponent of positive parenting.
You've figured out by now that my secret is yelling. (Well, you probably knew that as soon as you read the title.) But I have another secret. It's the secret way I remember to stop yelling. (Note: this post contains affiliate links.)
The boys are very high energy (nothing wrong with that), easily distracted (as are all kids), and also fight a lot (like most siblings). In short, they frequently drive me bananas. Oh we have "family kindness tokens" and practice daily gratitude, and I prep myself for the after school crazies, but we all have our particular weaknesses.
I do not want to yell. I hate yelling. It's also a completely ineffective way of dealing with children. Now, this is not a post about alternative discipline techniques. Yelling is not discipline. Yelling is just me demonstrating my lack of communication skills and my failure to take a moment to breathe and take stock of the situation. (In any case, I'm more a proponent of connecting and forming a relationship with my kids than punitive punishment and reward discipline systems.)
I've learned a lot about how to communicate with the kids, especially from the books How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, so it's not as if I don't have strategies.
The thing is. When I am in the thick of things, I forget.
I forget not to yell. And then I beat myself up for my failure. (Never a good thing.)
I know that sounds lame. I've tried visual reminders around the apartment, but after a day or so, they just became part of the scenery.
However, one trick I started a few weeks ago has been working. Not that life is perfect now, but I have noticed a pretty significant improvement in how I handle the after school chaos.
I put a reminder on my phone. Yep. Every day, right before I pick up the boys, I hear a little chime, or feel a vibration in my pocket. There's something about the physical action I have to take to pull out the phone, and click "dismiss" (or snooze, if I feel a particularly tough afternoon coming on) that makes the reminder stick in a way all those passive reminders didn't.
Just a little nudge to be a calmer person.
I was telling a friend of mine (actually we were having a good laugh about it) about my phone reminder and she told me she has a small object she keeps in her shoe! Every time she stomps her foot when she is upset, she feels a pinch of pain to help stop her in her tracks. Literally!
So, after that I felt quite normal with my phone reminder. Ha!
Ana says
Great idea! I love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen....BEST PARENTING BOOK EVER!
Erica MomandKiddo says
So TRUE!!! Every parent should read that book. Applying the advice was a game changer.
Alana - eSpectacularKids says
I know what you mean by forgetting 'not to yell.' It sounds strange that such a simple thing can be forgotten, it's just when you're in the moment and the heat is on, something takes over our brains! I think reminders are a great idea…(rather than remembering mid-scream!)
Erica MomandKiddo says
I agree. Intellectually I KNOW that yelling is pointless, yet I "forget" when my brain is in scatter mode.
maryl1 says
My voice gets louder when I am excited so yelling comes naturally. I am a teacher with an M.A. in early Childhood so I know that yelling is ineffective to say the least and may be harmful. However. When my children it the twos, there was yelling in my house. One day when my daughter was 4 and my son three, I was giving them quite a loud 'lecture' (I don't remember what they'd done, but it was serious and I was really upset about it.) About a minute and a half in, my daughter looked at my son who was looking a little worried and said, "Don't worry Edward, she'll get over it."
That stopped me in my tracks. I would like to say that the worried look on Edward's face and her sisterly solicitude stopped my melted my heart. But Edward often looked worried for absolutely no reason and Gwyneth while Gwyneth was reassuring him, she was also blowing me off. (You'd have to know way more about my daughter that I would want to write here - let's just say she was very independent and questioning authority was a skill she learned early).
I realized that especially with her, in any confrontation there was going to be a person who lost it and a person who didn't and when I yelled, I was the person who lost it. I decided right then and there that no matter what the provocation I was not going to be the person who lost it. The things that upset me that much were too important -- usually having to do with their safety. When I lost it and started yelling, the important message was lost. From that day on we had many, many, many disagreements, many times when consequences were needed, but never again did I yell. In fact, I mostly said what I needed to say and stopped talking. They could try to object and bargain, etc., but they learned that if the matter was serious enough, they would not distract me into an argument about it. It made me laugh by the time they were teenagers, even though I would contradict or say no in my in my "very firm" voice, they would say,"you don't have to yell about it!" because they knew I was serious and since I never yelled, that was like yelling to them. Once I made up my mind not to yell, the battles didn't become fewer, but they certainly were a little quieter, and the quiet voice let them know better than all the yelling that I was serious about what i was saying.
I hasten to add that for most problems we talked and strategized and problem-solved and worked things out. But some things are non-negotiable.
Erica MomandKiddo says
Thank you for sharing your story!
MaryAnne says
This is a great idea! And I love your phone, too 😉
Erica MomandKiddo says
Yep, it's a great little phone! I'd probably still be tied to my flip phone if I didn't have it!
writersideup says
Erica, I think all I'm inclined to add to this conversation is this: you are human! No, it's not good to yell ALL the time or excessively, but on occasion, if it allows you to let off a little steam, it's not going to damage your children. Yes, to help communicate and change behavior, yelling doesn't typically (sometimes it can, depending on what's said) have any positive effect. But I don't think it's unreasonable for your frustrations to have face sometimes, especially if you apologize for yelling and go on to explain to your kids that it's because of your frustration, and maybe having a difficult day yourself, so your kids can also see what their behavior can spark. They also need to experience the people in their lives being, in fact, human and imperfect. As humans, we all have the full array of emotions. It's only when it's excessive or completely uncalled for that there's a "real" problem, in my opinion.
As the mother of a 29-year-old, married man, in one of our recent visits, when talking around the dinner table, it came up in conversation one time when he was a teenager and I went nuts on him. He did something (which neither of us can remember specifically) one too many times, and I was obviously having a rough day to boot, and I started yelling at him and smacking him on the upper arm. Now, he was pretty much full grown at this point, so my open-handed smacks were hurting me and simply making him laugh, so I formed a fist and he still was laughing. I think it was partially nervous laughter because, in that same recent conversation he admitted he always felt bad about that---about the laughing, but also about whatever he did that pushed me like that.
Obviously, a child would be handled differently, and of course, individual to their personalities, so this scenario is not what would happen if my son were young. I'm just trying to make a point. I also felt guilty when, after a long day at work and coming home to my mother all upset about my son having diarrhea and messing up the whole bathroom 'cause he still refused to sit on the toilet (he was closer to 3 years old than 2), I ended up screaming at him to sit when he had to go. He did, and couldn't hold it since it was diarrhea, then jumped right off and looked at what he left behind. THAT was when it became apparent that the reason he wasn't potty trained was because he was afraid he'd go down the toilet which, through the entire process was never obvious or revealed. I hadn't realized that his fascination with flushing the toilet was more out of his fear and trying to understand it. Of course, I felt guilty about it, but guess what? He was instantly potty trained and he was not marred by the experience in any way. He, in fact, was then relieved of the stress he was feeling during our entire potty-training ordeal which was MUCH worse than me yelling at him.
What was much more important is that, when a conversation really mattered--especially more serious situations--I was at my calmest. And, to my son's credit he was perceptive, even as a teenager.
So, yes, we definitely don't want to always be yelling, but it's not all bad and you shouldn't be beating up on yourself if the yelling, etc. is occasional and more "called for" 🙂 I sincerely hope that helps, though I'm sure there are people gasping in horror, thinking I must've been a terrible mother 🙂
Erica MomandKiddo says
I always love your perspective, Donna!! 🙂
CV says
Hitting and or smacking any person of any age is never acceptable behaviour. There is never anything another person can do to "push" you over the edge. I am appalled at your comments. As parents and adults we are to be a role model to our children - abuse is never ok or someone elses fault. You need to take ownership of what you did and just admit that it was wrong. As for yelling, yes, at times it is ok (to keep your child safe as they start to cross the road unattended for example) but most other times its just not ok. If you are yelling at your children constantly, even if you aren't name calling or belittling them, it can have a lasting negative effect towards your relationship with that child and their future relationships with other people as well.
Shelly Sharp says
Charlie Applestein has some nice raps for kids and parents. "Tell it, don't yell it" has been my motto for the year.
Erica MomandKiddo says
Oh, that's a good one!
Grace Williams says
After reading this I realize that something I do, which my husband started when our daughter was very young. I took it up as kind of a joke but it actually gets the kids attention & most times makes at least a couple of us laugh to lighten whatever the mood is trying to build to...He made this obnoxious buzzer noise. It does get the kids' attention without having to holler over them in a heated moment. Yes we sound ridiculous when we do it but it works for us and after reading this I think I need to just do that more often because it does break the tension.
Erica MomandKiddo says
That's a great idea! Thanks for sharing it.
NT says
I love this idea. I'm going to try it. Because like you said, all my other visual reminders beome background.
thank you!!!