If you have more than one child how do you support and respect their differences?
Before I had kids I never thought about how much of a person's character is inherent. Truthfully, it wasn't until I had my second child that I really understood how people have a unique personality that is present from day 1. I know that sounds silly, but I'm being honest here.
Even in infancy I could tell that New Kid was a different person than his brother. Now, at the ages of 5 and 9, the brothers are very different and even when they have similar interests they express those interests in unique ways. As their parent I want to make sure I support their needs, and especially to support their different learning styles.
Last weekend the boys were side by side, playing Rush Hour*. When Kiddo was four, he got the Junior version and his systems, logic-oriented brain solved the puzzles almost immediately. He has no trouble with the game and prefers to play independently. He now breezes through both versions of the game, yet still he is drawn to the comforting logic of the puzzles. You can see him, above, playing independently on the floor. (Do you like our messy apartment? Just doing my part to help you feel better about your own housekeeping skills.)
New Kid, on the other hand, likes the game primarily because he know his brother loves it. He always asks for help and doesn't want to play independently. He gets excited when he finishes a puzzle, but doesn't breeze through them like his brother. In the photo above, my husband is working through the game with him.
While I was watching their playing, side by side, I was inspired to snap the photo to capture their varied approaches to the same game. It makes me smile to see them grow as individuals. I love helping them learn. When New Kid asks for help, I help him. I don't point out that his brother is doing it all by himself. I never want them to think I compare them. When Kiddo says he wants to play alone, I allow him his privacy but let him know he can ask if he needs it.
I want them to grow up and think, "My mom respects ME. My mom loves me and my brother equally. My mom thinks I'm important."
How are your kids different? How do you support those differences?
*Rush Hour is one of our very favorite games and I've written about it several times, you can learn more about it on my games guide.
Johanna says
Great article, Erica! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I have a question (dilemma maybe?) about your last few sentences: "I never want them to think I compare them. When Kiddo says he wants to play alone, I allow him his privacy but let him know he can ask if he needs it.I want them to grow up and think, “My mom respects ME. My mom loves me and my brother equally. My mom thinks I’m important.”"
I share the same view and I like to think that I respect my children individually too, however how do you deal with the situation when (occasionally) one child wants to play with the other but not vice versa?
BTW, I think apartments/houses of families SHOULD be messy! 🙂
Take care,
Johanna
Erica MomandKiddo says
Oh goodness, I am not an expert in that situation. It happens all the time around here. Usually my 5 yr old wants to play with his older brother. It's a daily thing, for sure. I'm not always successful by any means! Each situation is different and depending on my mood, I either 1. negotiate a compromise; 2. distract new Kid by reading to him or something like that; or 3. let them squabble for a while 😛 That's a hard situation before and I struggle with it all the time.
Jillian says
I love this post! My son (8) has always responded quickly to positive reinforcement. If I change my approach, I change his behavior immediately. My daughter (7) likes space when she's upset or angry. It wasn't until they had grown a bit that I realized that I never even tried the same parenting techniques on both of them. They are so different and would never respond the same way.
Erica MomandKiddo says
Thanks, Jillian. That is my experience, too. Different kids need different nurturing. Thanks for sharing!
belindambrock says
An important topic!
MaryAnne says
We love Rush Hour - after buying it on your recommendation, I believe 🙂
Each of my four kids is very different - and the same is true of me and my nine siblings. I actually feel like a lot of my kids' personalities were evident even before they were born - and definitely very apparent in them as tiny newborns.
One of the things I try to be aware of is being careful of empathizing with a child just because they are reacting to a situation in a way that I understand - and trying to see their point of view when they react in ways that are less intuitive to me. As a middle child growing up, I tend to defend Johnny and Lily's perspectives, whereas Mike (as the oldest child who is also the son of an oldest child) is very aware of Emma's perspectives. Fortunately Anna is extremely good at defending the "baby" perspective, so far. Maybe a little too good - when she wants something, she says "Baby! Baby!"
Nina says
I can't help but agree, Erica.
For me, I kind of realized that my kids' traits (at least half of them) were genetic and inherent because my eldest—now 4yo—acts just the same as he did as an infant.
Now with the twins, all their personalities are so unique. There are times when the twins share the same traits, others where they can be so different, and all three of them have different needs.
And I try to respect their differences by not comparing them.
Erica MomandKiddo says
Agree, Nina - comparisons will only make them feel badly and think I don't love them equally.
Jenny says
My girls are as different as night and day- one free spirit and super creative, the other by the book and in-order all the time. I TRY to meet them where they are and not compare. It's amazing that they play together as well as they do!
Erica MomandKiddo says
I think "TRY" is something we all do when it comes to parenting. 🙂
Jen says
My boys are so different in lots of ways - which is great but I agree can also be challenging. I find it hardest when one has a natural ability or interest that is more socially desirable than others. My younger boy has a brain and temperament that really suits school and he gets a lot of positive feedback for his efforts and academic achievements. Whereas the things that my older boy is good at don't seem to receive as much approval, although in my opinion they are just as important (e.g. he is really creative, has a really original way of looking at things, is really flexible and adaptable, gets along with all different types of people). I find these types of qualities and abilities don't get noticed nearly as much as his brother's reading or maths abilities which I think is a bit sad. I really hope that at home at least both my boys feel that their unique personalities and gifts are equally valued and respected.
Erica MomandKiddo says
I think that's especially hard on kids -- when their skills are not the ones most readily valued by society at large. It's makes our role as parents are the more crucial. Thanks for weighing in, Jen.
:Donna Marie says
This is an excellent post, Erica, and in reading all the comments, I wholeheartedly agree with everyone's wholesome, balanced approach to something so critical. (Reminder: my son is 28 and married.)
I will never forget my experience about 25 years ago when a boss/friend of mine had a gathering at which her biological mother was present. She hadn't met her 'til she was married with children. I was SO impressed with how similar they were in tone, expression, and certain attitudes (granted, we're not getting deep here---this was a social gathering). I have a cousin who, not living around the corner, I would see on occasion through the years. In other words, we weren't around each other in a way that we would influence each other in any way. She and I have similar facial expressions, gestures, etc. Genetics are very powerful and definitely present from conception, not just in physical appearance, but nature. You're so right, ladies 🙂
But I've always believed, and still do, that we are all a combo (relatively balanced percentage, I think) of genetics and environment (all-inclusive, e.g., parents, siblings, peers, living conditions, individual experiences and interactions, etc.). I believe the way you moms are handling the differences between siblings isn't just helping them feel good about themselves as individuals, but you're teaching them to respect others' differences and needs. When I hear the things mothers like you talk about and agree on, it really makes me feel good because honestly, a lot of the parenting I've witnessed over the years is NOT this 🙁
And hopefully, as your kids go through school, they will come across the kind of teachers and peers who will appreciate their gifts, whatever they are. It's unfortunate we live in a widely shallow-thinking world and importance is often placed on the wrong things.